18girl.
I lose track of time and space as I sit in the well-lit haze of the dungeon that i love so dearly. Jazz reverberates throughout my being as I stare into nothing. I contemplate my next artistic venture yet I know my pessimism and apathy will make it a challenge to complete. My eyes return to the page on which my left hand rests. The girl I have sketched is now a woman.
chat.
you there
well then i will just talk
so, freshman year, i thought ______ was attractive
then realized, hey im not
so i should give up
then sophomore year, i was really sad
but still thought ______ was adorable nonetheless
out of my league
too cute for me
junior year
sadder and lower self esteem
still, i wish ______ liked me
give up
senior year
i feel shitty
give up on everyone
______ is the cutest boy in my classes
at this point, he has gotten only more attractive
as i have persistently decreased
and gotten louder
and bitchier
and weirder
so, no chance
but then
what?
i wish i knew this last year
or the year before
or always
but, as just friends?
or, what if he asks _____
or ______
or __
and they say yes
then i will cry at prom
and leave
and smoke too much
and drink coffee
and make ______ bring me wine
and we will drink
and drown our respective woes
although, ______ and i will do that anyway
someday
and i will wear a dress
and we will cry
drunk tears
and then, in my 40’s
ill look back and say,
damn
______ was a good friend
Who I am.
I appreciate art that emerges from unlikely sources. I crave words, and I live for things that make me feel overwhelmed and keenly aware. I want to watch roses bloom and unfold from skull cavities. I love beauty that comes from grey cobblestone paths that leak out of oxygen deprived, intravenous passageways, worms seeping into the dirt.
There was another book about two sisters (possibly twins?) that lived with their aunt or grandma. They hatched goose eggs and took care of animals all the time.
Sometimes forgetting is worse than remembering.
I wish I could think of the title of a book I read as a little girl. It was about a girl and a bear that lived in a tree. She had a comforter that reminded me of my gramma’s blankets.
Crave.
I keep thinking about the past. I want now what I wanted then. But I can’t forget what I know now.
Pet peeves (no pun intended).
I work with a local nonprofit, no-kill animal rescue. Here are some of the most frustrating and annoying things people do and say: 1. Ask if our animals cost money or are shocked that they do. We rarely break even on vet bills. 2. Let their children scream and run around, terrifying our cats and dogs. Many of our animals have been abused or are just scared of loud brats. Solution: Teach kids not to approach an animal without asking first. 3. Put their dog right in front of the cage of one of our dogs. The dog in the cage will want to play, or be frightened. Either way it’ll freak everyone out. 4. Loudly proclaim how sad it is that our animals are in cages. Actually, they are in loving foster homes or out on their leashes in the store most of the time. 5. Ask if we have puppies or a specific breed and get upset if we don’t. If you would just hang on for a minute I’d give you information on breed rescues. 6. Ask for young (less than two months old) puppies or kittens. We don’t put any animal up for adoption until it’s weaned, had it’s boosters and been altered and microchipped. 7. Try to lecture me about our animals. I don’t care if you think you’re Caesar Milan, you still aren’t going to convince me that dogs like sleeping outside every night, or that cats can be outside pets. Well, that’s all I can think of for now. So for those of you that practice proper animal etiquette, I thank you. I suggest those of you that don’t know how to behave with animals volunteer at a local shelter to learn the basics.
Asleep.
I’m getting tired of everything. Since I don’t really know how to solve conflict (especially when I’m the only one afflicted), I’m going to keep quiet.